Orb

 

Things to do when you've only got six hours of lectures a week and you sleep through five of them.

 

Drink of the week: Special Vodka can be procured by asking the owner of local dodgy corner shop for his Special Vodka. This drink is about £2 a litre and completely illegal. It occasionally comes in a chunky variety.

Activity #1 – A trip to A&E.

To get there:

• Drink as much of the Special Vodka as you can, and then dance around the room. Eventually you will dance on your glass of vodka, smashing it with your foot.
• Pick up the pieces of glass and put them in the outside bin, giving your hands a good few gashes to be sure.
• Follow the trail of blood back into the house, absent-mindedly wondering where it could have come from. Eventually realise its coming from your foot.
• Wander into the kitchen, hold your foot in the air and ask "Do you think this might be bad?" Chances are, it will be really bad. If you've done it correctly, your flatmates should now be treated to a glimpse of blood-covered bone. While they're throwing up and screaming and things, run upstairs for your camera. These are treasured memories you will not want to lose in the morning.

 

 

• Suggested example wound

 

 

Whilst at A&E:

 

·        Accept the offered wheelchair from the inexplicably unimpressed nurse.

·        Find other people in wheelchairs, and offer them a race.

·        Make pit-stops for refreshment at dispensers marked "Alcohol Sterilising Gel".

·        Get stitches.

 

After A&E.

 

• Wake up any friends that slept through the excitement to show them your foot. (If they were drinking the Special Vodka with you earlier, you may need to unlock the bike-chain to remove them from the lamppost first, and then wait for them to come out of their coma.)

 

 

Once I helped out at the Freshers' Fair, in charge of conning bewildered new students into parting with their parents' cash in return for being a member of the long standing and well respected German Society.

     At around 11am, after dealing with one blonde foreigner too many, I started drinking. Two beers later, I'd rewritten my welcoming sign to read "Transvestite Mormon Society" and my partner was pushing the free jelly babies up his nose then putting them back in the bowl to pass the time.

A few Freshers asked us what the Transvestite Mormon Society did. We would reply,

 

"We mostly dress up as the opposite sex and hold moving sermons in church," and offer them the jelly-babies and the sign up sheet. By way of a sermon example, my friend jumped up and shouted "Jehosophat! Thou art Jehosophat the shit monkey, I will cast you into lard" at anyone who would listen.

 

  We were never asked to work for the German Society again.